5 Things to Consider When You Can No Longer Take Care of an Elderly Parent
1. Shift Your Perspective
It’s common to feel guilty about stepping back from caregiving responsibilities for a loved one, but there are ways to reframe this transition.
“Not everyone will understand or approve of our choices,” explains Steven Zarit, professor in the Department of Human Development and Family Studies at Pennsylvania State University and leader of a caregiver support group. “We all have limits, and if we’ve done our best and reached a point where we can no longer continue, we should not feel guilty.”
Viewing your decision from a new perspective can help ease feelings of unnecessary guilt.
“Instead of seeing it as an all-or-nothing choice, I encourage adult children to think, ‘I’ve been providing care in one way, and now I need to provide it in another,’” says Sara Honn Qualls, Director of the Gerontology Center at the University of Colorado at Colorado Springs. “This shift doesn’t mean stopping entirely.”
If your loved one requires specialized care that you’re not trained to provide, transitioning to memory care, assisted living, or involving a home health aide may be the most compassionate choice for their well-being.
2. Consider the Impact on Family Dynamics
Deciding to step back from caregiving for elderly parents will likely affect other family members, who may feel burdened by the added responsibility or have concerns about increased time and effort required on their part.
These situations can bring up complex family dynamics, often resurfacing past sibling issues. Adjusting to any change can be challenging for everyone involved.
During family meetings, Sara Honn Qualls suggests asking, “What is most important to you about Mom’s life from today until the end of her life?” This question encourages family members to focus on the well-being of the parent rather than on perceived shortcomings or past conflicts. Family discussions can be a productive time to share ideas and explore solutions together.
If this decision might come as a surprise to siblings or others, give them time to process it before discussing the details. For example, you could say, “I’d like to schedule a time next week to talk about Mom’s care. We may need to explore some new options together.”
This approach allows everyone time to gather their thoughts before diving into a deeper conversation.
3. Communicate with care and compassion
4. Remember to acknowledge your feelings
5. Come prepared with suggestions
Consider offering a few practical options for what to do next when informing family members that you can no longer care for your aging parent. Maybe your parent needs a part-time in-home caregiver or round-the-clock care in an assisted living facility, or maybe you simply need more support from your siblings throughout the week. Try to have a few realistic options ready to discuss.
If you’re unsure about how much care your loved one needs, you may be able to set up an appointment for you and your parent to visit their doctor. This allows you to get a neutral, professional perspective on whether your loved one would be well-suited for an assisted living community or another option. This can help alleviate some of the negative emotions you or your siblings may feel by keeping the focus on your aging parent.
It’s also helpful to know that if you want to consider an assisted living community, many offer short-term trial stays or respite care. This lets your parent see what life is like in the community for a few weeks before committing to a move.
If finding senior living options is overwhelming for you, tell your family. They may be able to help, and some might even appreciate having a concrete task. Keep an open mind, as your family members may have their own suggestions.
What’s the next step?
Once you’ve discussed your desire for a caregiving change, you may decide as a family that your aging loved one needs more help than you or your siblings can provide. At Marmalade Care we provide tailored solutions for elder care, contact us so we know more about your situation and we will let you know how we can help. Click Here to contact us!